Hello my wife
To the lurkers: My wife is reading my blog. This post is directly to her. Why don't I just tell her this face to face? Communicating through writing just does something different for us that even being in the same room together does not. I hate being far away from her, but those times we are forced to communicate through writing can be really good. My wife is currently taken by speaking through text messaging on our phones. From a technologically logical standpoint this may seem a bit ridiculous. We have a system that allows for full duplex voice communication and a plan that allows unlimited talk time between us for no extra charge. The text messages, on the other had, much simpler in terms of techno-hoops to jump through, costs a few cents per message and requires much navigating around the little phone keypad to enter the truncated messages. But it works for her, and now that I leave my logic aside and go with the emotional component that, undeniably is there and different, it works for me too. All that to say, you are welcome to read this, but I'm speaking directly to her. If you do, you may get a glimpse of what I am learning about going with what relationally works vs. going with what makes sense to me.
Hello, my wife!
I'm on a Donald Miller binge, as you know. Catching up with all my friends who read "Blue Like Jazz" years ago. I feel like I'm reading most of it for the second time after hearing all the passages you read to me and after all the talk among so many about it's contents. I just read the long soliloquy from the play excerpt in the "Romance" chapter. He talks about the great gravity that draws lovers together then speaks of the great troubling truth that no matter how close you get, you can never get completely there. There is always a place you just can't get to. Always something you can't quite know or be sure of. He goes into the foolishness of thinking we can redeem each other and that only God can completely, purely, and totally satisfyingly love us. But he also spends a lot of the book contemplating the value of relationship and community and how being alone will drive a person crazy and we were made to be with each other. Being with companions of various closeness is what lets us know the difference between reality and getting lost in our own minds. In the play, the lover speaking to his sleeping spouse finally ends up in frustration saying, "This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!" I have come to that same frustration with you many times. But then he ends with a familiar resolution. "I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me..." "I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again."
As I've expressed other times, I wish I had said that. It is good to face the fact that you will never fulfill me. You will never satisfy me. God has reserved that place for Himself. But He put us together - gave you to me and me to you. He gave us a big chunk of time, most of our lives, to work out this relationship between us. He gave us to each other for mutual support, care and comfort, and also to learn about ourselves, about what love is, and the many deep truths that the symbolism of our union and our family model for us. Many days we exasperate each other and I wonder why God set us on this course that can so often be frustrating for both of us. But He knows we are slow to get it, at least I am, and he has given us lots of time for the learning. I look back over the years and have to say it is good. Not always fun. Not what I would have chosen. But of incredible, unfathomable value. He is a good father who gives good gifts to us, knowing what is absolutely best for us, making no mistakes. You are the very best gift He has given me. You continue to be a great mystery. For that I am exceedingly happy. I may tire, but I will never get bored with exploring your being. I will never find the end, never get to the bottom. And I'm so glad to have been given a lifetime to try. And that deep, mysterious draw of gravity keeps pulling me in when you come near my orbit. It is a wonder.
Hello, my wife!
I'm on a Donald Miller binge, as you know. Catching up with all my friends who read "Blue Like Jazz" years ago. I feel like I'm reading most of it for the second time after hearing all the passages you read to me and after all the talk among so many about it's contents. I just read the long soliloquy from the play excerpt in the "Romance" chapter. He talks about the great gravity that draws lovers together then speaks of the great troubling truth that no matter how close you get, you can never get completely there. There is always a place you just can't get to. Always something you can't quite know or be sure of. He goes into the foolishness of thinking we can redeem each other and that only God can completely, purely, and totally satisfyingly love us. But he also spends a lot of the book contemplating the value of relationship and community and how being alone will drive a person crazy and we were made to be with each other. Being with companions of various closeness is what lets us know the difference between reality and getting lost in our own minds. In the play, the lover speaking to his sleeping spouse finally ends up in frustration saying, "This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!" I have come to that same frustration with you many times. But then he ends with a familiar resolution. "I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me..." "I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again."
As I've expressed other times, I wish I had said that. It is good to face the fact that you will never fulfill me. You will never satisfy me. God has reserved that place for Himself. But He put us together - gave you to me and me to you. He gave us a big chunk of time, most of our lives, to work out this relationship between us. He gave us to each other for mutual support, care and comfort, and also to learn about ourselves, about what love is, and the many deep truths that the symbolism of our union and our family model for us. Many days we exasperate each other and I wonder why God set us on this course that can so often be frustrating for both of us. But He knows we are slow to get it, at least I am, and he has given us lots of time for the learning. I look back over the years and have to say it is good. Not always fun. Not what I would have chosen. But of incredible, unfathomable value. He is a good father who gives good gifts to us, knowing what is absolutely best for us, making no mistakes. You are the very best gift He has given me. You continue to be a great mystery. For that I am exceedingly happy. I may tire, but I will never get bored with exploring your being. I will never find the end, never get to the bottom. And I'm so glad to have been given a lifetime to try. And that deep, mysterious draw of gravity keeps pulling me in when you come near my orbit. It is a wonder.
posted by wingman at 11:48 AM
3 Comments:
I really need to change for work but thought I would just quickly check your site. Had no idea what it was you have been thinking. I am not so deep as you and consider myself to be a simple thinker who sometimes gets below the surface because I am playing in the mudd. I know i seem mysterious to you, you've said so many times. Not sure what that is or looks like, and I can guarantee you it's not like you often think because I grew up in a different culture. I think what you perceive as mysterious is just down right weirdness on my part. I simply have very different views than most i know which of course affects my behaviour. I also hang out with folks with mental disorders a lot and that tells a lot. I know that texting makes absolutely no sense to you but it does a whole lot for me, so thanks for putting up with my desire. BTW, did you know that desire is a desire? Did you also know that i still feel very disoriented with our circumstances and I am still floating somewhere between the moon and the nearest visible star? You have much to accept living with amia. Wish I weren't so complicated to you because I certainly don't feel complicated. I seriously have to go to work now. You wouldn't by any chance want to cook up some dinner (simple, not compicated).
I would be simply delighted!
A definition of determination: riding a motorcycle to the grocery store in the rain to get some steaks. But what a fine meal we had, the two of us! But, alas, when it was over she complained because the kids and I had eaten the whole large bag full of peanut M&M's and she wanted some. We were going to spend some time sitting out on the little patio of this apartment we're in. I got out there first. On a wild hare I jumped on the motorcycle and went for a bag of M&M's. Got back just before she came out and there was the bag sitting there. "How did you get those?" she asked. Well, once in a while I am able to perform magic.
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