constipation consternation contemplation

I've tried. I've really tried. But I just don't have the talent. I don't have the skills. I can't create enough songs. Or good enough ones. Or images. I don't have enough words. What is inside me is lodged there tightly and I can't get it out. I'm not sure why I'm so desperate to do so. I doubt it would really help or matter at all to me or anyone else if I did anyway. It's frustrating. I'm feeling terrible today. And it's been a beautiful one and I'm feeling guilty for not being very grateful for the gift that it is. I'm just sorry.

It seems all my life I've been struggling with either the black dog on my back or the longing in my chest. Or both at the same time. Maybe I think that if I can create something beautiful enough or with enough depth of meaning and express my truest deepest innermost soul and just get it out it will somehow bring relief. Somehow connect me to freedom. “ARBEIT MACHT FREI” I don't think so.